For you yarnies out there – skein. There.

This morning I woke up to a text from my oldest daughter – something to the effect of ‘I’m sure you’ll find out in the morning, but Mabel (our dog) got into your yarn. I tried to pick it up, but I’m tired.’

To any of you who didn’t know, my kids and I are crocheting blankets to gift to an elderly transitional facility – we wanted to bring some warmth and comfort to those going through a challenging end-of-life season. This yarn was supposed to be lovingly woven into something beautiful, but now it’s a heap of jumbled knots intertwined with scattered strands of dog hair (hand over face emoji). 6 am doesn’t like to see this.

My son lovingly asked me if God had a purpose in this, because surely He has a purpose in everything. My initial response was – sin. God doesn’t necessarily cause these things to happen, but He uses all things for good.

Typing this, I’m not 100% sure of the purpose of hours of painstaking untangling of yarn – but I do know that it sparked something.

Sometimes (well, all the time) I want my life to fit into a nice, neat ball – where all the strands stay comfortably in place and everything unravels seamlessly. I want to keep moving forward and don’t want to be inconvenienced by having to untangle knots and try to roll everything back up again.

I don’t like the untangling, the falling apart.

Life is supposed to be a gift, right? Then why is it so hard some days?

We want to do something good with the tools we’ve been given, but then many days things become tangled – sickness, relationships, parenting, jobs.

The old me would have obsessively situated everything back into tight-fitting balls of yarn. Today, I unraveled and began to untie some of the knots before retiring the yarn to a bag to continue on tomorrow.

Many days we feel like we have to conquer and fix everything – today. We feel crushed by the weight of our circumstances and responsibilities. But God isn’t asking us to fix it all today. He’s gently asking us to take some steps towards a solution and then rest in Him. He’ll give us the strength to pick up our circumstances and continue working on them tomorrow (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). He’ll graciously give us the patience, peace, and even joy to settle into surrender – not giving up, but teaming up with the One who is far more capable than we are.

• 

I laid there in the stillness, black covering the space between my wide eyes and the ceiling. I couldn’t get the moment out of my head. I replayed it over and over again. Like an explosion of unrestrained grief, the tears and sobs began – small rivers running down my face, wetting the neck of my t-shirt below. I could barely catch my breath. Jason wrapped his arms tightly around me, lovingly asking what was wrong. ‘I don’t even want to say it out loud.’ I shuttered at the thought of using words, giving even more life to the images in my head. Would it be truer? How have I never said it out loud before?

With a shaky voice, and in between hicupping sobs I finally said it,

‘I gave birth to her, and I watched her die.’

And I said it again and again. It was almost like my mind was catching up to what my heart felt years ago.

‘I miss her. I wanted to know her.’

Grief is a terrible and beautiful thing wrapped up in the same unwanted gift. It visits at the most inopportune times, feeling sneaky and selfish. When the waves of emotions roll, we ask grief to leave – we don’t want it to get comfy and stay for long. Our hearts cannot handle it. Our minds cannot bear it. But our souls need it.

We need healing, and grief is the only process by which we can find it. I am so thankful that God in His sovereignty doesn’t allow the full weight of grief to settle into our souls all at once. He knows the fragility of our minds and hearts, and He Himself has experienced this humanness firsthand (John 11:32-35).

Even though grief is hard, I rejoice in the fact – death doesn’t have the final say.

I will get to know Charlotte in eternity ♥

Although the grief process is impossible to escape – I know that God is using every single tear and all the heartache for my ultimate good, and for the good of others who cross paths with me.

Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

John 9:3 – ‘…but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.’

I don’t know what makes your heart hurt today, but I know that God won’t waste an ounce of your suffering. He will use these moments – or even seasons – of brokenness to mold you until you are complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4).

What do you need to say out loud? Is there something that the Devil is using to steal your joy, rob your certainty, or waylay your healing? Dispel the power of darkness by speaking His life into your circumstances today.

If you need someone to say it to, I’m here.

xoxo

I stood there – dumbfounded at the pounding in my chest, and sweat pooling under my arms. The emotions I had desperately stuffed were crawling up my throat, and forming an anxious lump I couldn’t swallow back down – or ignore.

I can’t do it.

I’m not ready.

People talk of wearing their heart on their sleeve, and that’s just how this felt. Like her tiny feet on my skin would ink with permanency the ache and gaping hole in my soul for everyone to see. That it would materialize my emotions in black.

Permanent, never going back, never to be undone.

And instead of fighting the emotions, and battles inside my mind – I would be reminded of the hole she left at each passing glance – in the place I last held her. It didn’t feel beautiful, like a promise of togetherness and connection – it felt ugly – like a branding of pain and permanency. As if I was to blame, marked as the one responsible. Somehow laying claim to the unimaginable. Unchangeable. Irreversible.

Lysa Terkeurst refers to grieving as dreaming in reverse. When you’re not planning ahead, hopeful, wishing for something beautiful to come to pass – but instead, frantically trying to piece together the debris inside your heart – desperate for the picture to look different, to change the unchangeable, to erase the outlines that confine you.

I’ve been dreaming in reverse, but then something beautiful happened.

I got a piece of my daughter back. Something tangible that I can hold in my hand, and wear against my chest. A welcome change from the ashes that I used to cling to. She feels more alive in my soul today – now that I can see the imprints of her tiny feet, and connect them to the void she left in my heart.

I’m reminded of the verse – ‘Death where is your sting? Death, where is your victory?’

What feels permanent in our universe is only temporary – finality is not in our earthly death. Praise God!

In many ways, I’ve allowed the permanency of losing her to solidify my pain – instead of leaning into the permanency of perfection that is to come.

I’ve minimized God’s ability to change my perspective without changing my position.

Today, my position is the same – I left my daughter’s body at the hospital that day – but my perspective is one filled with hope that eternity will be shared with her someday. The perspective that the perfection of Eden will be once again, and my longing to see and know her will be fulfilled.

xoxo

Jason and I had two days with strings of arguments – no unity. We fought about the past, the present, the pain we feel – the disconnect we experience. In an absolute moment of weakness and desperation – I blurted out, ‘I hate my life. I want a new one.’

Is that ok? Is it ok to get to the breaking point, where the pieces of your world get so small that it feels daunting to even bother picking them up?

The truth is, I don’t hate my life.

I hate the betrayal, the abandonment, the abuse – the words said that pierced my soul, and made me question my identity. I hate the diagnosis, the cancer, the comfort and naiveté taken away, the court dates, counseling appointments, the broken family, the blending – I hate death. I hate the fact that I placed the hope of a restart and unified family in a tiny human that I birthed to watch breathe their last. I hate all these messes, the unfairness of it all – and you know what? I should. It’s sin. It’s the culmination of everything the Lord didn’t want for us, wrapped up in a package of death and deceit from the Devil himself. This pain was never a part of God’s plan for my life (or yours) – it’s ok to hate it. It’s ok to mourn the things taken from you. But it’s also necessary to not let those past and present pains steal anything more from you than they already have (this is the part I am working on desperately). I have to ask myself why I am grasping so tightly to these wrongs.

The bible says to cling to the truth, and it will set you free. The truth is – Jesus died a sinner’s death in my place (and yours) to set me free from the power of death – not just physical death, but the power of sin’s grip in my life.

He defeated it. He conquered it. I need to focus my eyes on His sacrifice, and believe He already has – and will continue to – conquer the ‘ugly’ of my past and present circumstances. But, only if I allow Him in and trust that His plans are for my ultimate good. The things I hate about my past and present situations? He’s using those painful places to refine me and shape me more into His likeness, to instruct me in the area of sacrifice, and create a need for further dependence on Him.

I can do all things THROUGH Christ who STRENGTHENS me.

I need His power and provision to overcome the things of my past that I cannot change, strip away the guilt, mourn the death of expectations of how I thought my life would be – and ultimately, rest in His strength as I embrace what IS.

I hope you know how much you are loved by Jesus – today and every day. Thanks for letting me ‘pen to paper’ what’s on my heart.

xoxo

That is what I tell my kids when we do our morning workouts a few days a week. If momma can do this – your little, elementary physique better ‘bring it.’

Anyone can talk about change, but how do you make it actionable – how do you become better than you were yesterday?

You see each day as an opportunity to be consistent.

Consistency isn’t fun or exciting – but it’s effective. It has been the difference between success and stuck for me. I don’t like to call circumstances failures, because there is always something to be learned in every experience. However, there is definitely a feeling of becoming stuck in a place that is not restorative, or feeding God’s best for us – and sometimes that place is debilitating. In order to gain traction in moving from stuck to success, I think it’s important to set three non-negotiables for yourself each day.

Mine are the following:

Read it. What is going to increase my faith, feed my spirit, and stretch my intellect? That is what I look for in reading material. Which is why I make reading my bible a priority – alongside other impactful reads like ‘It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way’ and ‘Sacred Marriage.’

Eat it. I truly believe that food is both fuel and medicine – and viewing it this way has changed my life in tremendous ways. Consuming the foods that heal my body and make it stronger is something I prioritize daily (I could write a number of blog posts on this alone!)

Move it. There are so many reasons to exercise – outside of body image, which is the motivating factor for many. My patience, mental clarity, and aches and pains have improved so much by simply moving my body daily. Get a free fitness app, hop on your bike, take a walk in the woods – pick something that is easy to stay accountable to, and brings life to your soul.

But what happens when you feel like you don’t have time to read it, eat it, or move it?

The biggest key is not focusing on doing anything all at once – but instead – making one decision at a time.

Instead of feeling like you need to finish that whole book, change all aspects of your diet overnight, or become a yoga extraordinaire – start with reading a few pages, eating more leafy greens, and beginning the day with a 15 minute vinyasa flow.

Overcoming a large obstacle can seem so daunting, but if you break it into Y/N daily decisions – you start to gain traction. Instead of focusing on the mountain, focus on the steps (and the One who’s guiding them)!

 I know that God in His supernatural power has literally upheld me for the past several years  – I do not know how I’m standing a year into this journey without sugar, beer, coffee, and my beloved aged cheddar – but I am because each day I made conscious choices to say ‘no’ to those things, so I could say ‘yes’ to healing. Each step up the climb felt better and better; I found my groove and the most efficient means to edge closer to the summit.

And, you know what? My perspective changed. I looked back on where I had been, and realized I didn’t really need the things I gave up as much as I told myself I did. And, it was liberating! The feeling of tossing off what was hindering me – lightened my load, and increased my speed toward the place God was calling me.

I don’t know what’s holding you back from healing – but God does. He’s beckoning you to grab hold of His hand, and trust his unique plan for your life. Are you ready to venture into the unknown, and get a glimpse of the beauty He has for you?

xoxo

You know that feeling of letting go – of taking in an enormous gulp of air, and just exhaling it with an audible sigh? The lightness of removing old feelings and painful memories layer-by-layer? Today I watched many of those ugly places burn. My son saw the tears stream down my face as I opened the Rubbermaid bin – the bin of places I’ve been, things that have been taken from me, ways I’ve been manipulated, rejected, and abandoned – I read through the way the story unfolded as I took out each item one-by-one. I remembered how I didn’t choose this set of circumstances, and how painful it is to see the best in people who ultimate desire to steal your joy and strip you down to bone. My son, with glossy eyes, patted my back gently – ‘It’s ok, Mom, you don’t have to look at it if it makes you sad.’ But I knew that healing comes when we face those ugly places – when we don’t let the fear of the places we’ve failed, or those who have failed us get in the way of God’s divine purpose in our lives, when we don’t let the devil tell us these places define us, or let our sufferings dim our spirit or trample our today’s.

And so I made a pile of these places, and watched them burn – smolder into fiery ash. I watched the contents of this Rubbermaid bin cease to exist – piece-by-piece. Knowing that as each item burned, so did its hold on me. I know that God allows us to heal when we let go of the power these places of suffering have on us.  When we’re able to see that God has a bigger purpose for our suffering – He will use the ashes of our most intimate and painful places to fertilize the soil of our hearts. He has transformation in mind. He wants us to see that the ash is the beginning of something immensely more beautiful than anything the pain took from us.

‘…to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

A planting of the Lord

For the display of His splendor.’

|Isaiah 61:3|

Maybe you don’t have a physical bin, but instead, these painful places are tucked away in the archives of your mind – too painful to confront. So you keep shoving them into crevasses and dark corners with hopes they will fade away.

I’m telling you – Jesus wants to gently hold your hand as you piece-by-piece declare that these ugly places will no longer have a hold on you, that you will remain victorious over the devil’s schemes to convince you that you’ll never rise above this. Because, the truth is – the Lord has plans to use these ashes for the display of His splendor, and to ultimately give you the oil of gladness and a garment of praise.

I hope and pray that each of us has the courage – in the power of His Spirit – to burn these parts of our past, and cling to His promises for today – because you are worthy, and you are loved.

xoxo

You ever have one of those days where you just really wish God would show up – where His voice would be loud enough to hear above the hustle and bustle of your cluttered brain?

I’m about halfway through reading the chronological Bible – which puts me in Chronicles. So, let’s just say – I didn’t have high hopes I’d hear a message that would feel intentional, and speak directly to my heart today.

But, guess what – there was this morsel of amazing truth that made me grab my bible highlighter (which if you don’t have one, you need one: https://thedailygraceco.com/collections/pens-highlighters/products/bible-highlighter-set-1 ) and take note of His voice.

“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” |2 Chronicles 15:7|

For those who aren’t super familiar with my story – there are quite a few layers – but for now, I’ll just focus on the health part of my journey.

Over the past few years – I’ve experienced breast cancer, an unexplained bleeding disorder, premature labor and death of a child at five months, a painful skin condition, and to spare all of the details – we’ll leave it there for now.

That said, it spurred me on to really evaluate a number of aspects of my health – what could I potentially change in order to heal my body as naturally as possible? Could I trust God, and persevere through no sugar or coffee or beer or cheese? In all seriousness though, could I say ‘no’ to a million things I wanted to say ‘yes’ to in order to bring healing to my body?

This part of my journey has been tough – lots of book reading, diet protocols, and theories on auto immune disorders and inflammation; months of acupuncture, herbal remedies, meditation, and yoga; pages of documenting reactions, and health changes; so many nights of going to bed early when caffeine wasn’t an option.

But you know what? Change is happening. Healing is taking shape.

Cancer – gone.

Ovarian cysts – gone.

Bleeding – gone.

Skin condition – almost gone.

So, although I’ve lost things I didn’t want taken away – I’ve also experienced incredible healing. And, not just to the conditions listed. I’ve been gifted clarity of mind – more peace in my body and soul. It’s encouraged me to pursue a more active prayer life, more minutes in The Word each day – which has deepened my relationship with the One who created me.

This ‘more’ with Him has changed me.

This journey has also taught me that even if complete healing never happens, that each step and ounce of effort has brought me closer to Jesus, closer to completeness.

“They sought God eagerly, and He was found by them.” |2 Chronicles 15:15|

It has taught me that in His strength (and His alone) I can do ALL things.

I pray full healing is in store for me, but even if it’s not – I pray that God will use this part of my path to help others. I want my pain to serve a higher purpose – not just for me – but for all those who I cross paths with.

And, if you haven’t heard it yet today – I love you, and whatever you’re facing – you’ve got this in His strength.

XX

Several times in scripture the Lord says – ‘seek my face.’ And it made me wonder – how peculiar of a command to make to a people who would never, and had never physically seen His face.

What does this mean?

Our faces are designed in His image – the intricate lines and features are the distinctive attributes we carry that define us, make us unique. When we think of His features and His face – what are we seeking after?

‘Seek my face.’

Notice how He doesn’t say – when you’re up for it, or when the right time comes – seek my face. He states it as a command.

Do this, do it urgently, do it passionately, don’t be idle. Seek out who I am, desire to know the lines of my face – my holiness, my mercy, my forgiveness. Desire with great ambition to be more like me, to represent my love to the world.

This thought really came to mind after the loss of our daughter. The first time I read ‘seek my face’ – I thought, I know what that kind of seeking feels like. I know the urgency to capture every single second…every single minute detail of the lines of someone’s face – as if the moments were turning to ash – because they were. I want the passion to know and remember and be captivated by every single detail of Jesus’ face like I was when I saw Charlotte – wanting to memorize every feature, to engrain the memory of my beloved in my mind.

Jesus wants us to identify with who He is in the intimacy of His features – He wants us to desperately know each detail, recall each aspect of who He is.

I want to be a daughter of the King who remembers, and seeks out all He is.

I think that God used this language because he knew that as humans our facial features are such a defining factor of our individuality, the most visual representation of who we are. But, why can’t I seek God’s face with the same urgency that I sought after my daughter’s – not wanting to miss a moment, keeping my eyes wide with anticipation, why can’t I?

Well, many times I believe that life gets in the way – but I know it’s because I let it. My eyes aren’t fixed enough on eternity, they’re more fixed on what’s temporal – some of it is my humanness, but some of it is that I don’t fully realize the magnitude of what I’m missing by not being eternally-focused. I’m so devastatingly flawed, but by God’s grace and mercy – I am beginning to see many things in new light.

There is a freshness to each day that He alone is helping me to see.

Today, I’m choosing to seek His face, and rest in the thought that he’s cradling the face of my sweet little girl in His hands.

i’ll go into more detail about why i chose ‘upheld’ for the name of this blog later on, but for now – the idea that the God of the entire universe is holding you (yes, you) in the palm of His hand, should bring some real comfort! He’s not surprised, or panicked at the state of our world – He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and sustaining each one of our lives with His very hands.

i think some of us need to call out in the authority that we have in Jesus Christ – that we will not fear, we will not let the voices of evil cloud our judgement, or steal our joy – we will not give the devil a foothold in our lives.

since losing my daughter last year, i’ve been journaling a bit – to heal the broken places in my heart, to ink the places pain has taken me.

this entry really spoke to me recently, so i decided to post it:

‘Lord, break my will, break the chains that i’ve enslaved myself with. help me to choose your light and life over darkness. help me to choose peace, gentleness, goodness, self-control. shut down the devil in the name of Jesus Christ – he has no place in, or authority over my heart. i am loved and chosen by the Savior of the world! teach me to be more grateful – the lens by which i view the world has become cloudy, circumstances and disappointment have grayed out the places that used to shine bright with intense luster. Lord, remove these scales from my eyes – so i may behold my life, and your creation in all its glory without hesitation or fear – that the little details of love and life and beauty may shine brighter and more vivid in my mind than the pain. please help me to throw off what is hindering me, and run the race you have set before me! cleanse me of my sinful nature, and fill me with your Spirit. let my eyes see your wonders and my ears hear your goodness. may peace envelope me and gentleness and forgiveness reign in my heart. speak to me and through me. may i love with abandon and give recklessly without expectation of anything in return. may i be more like you each moment. i pray i am teachable, that my ears are tuned to your words, that my eyes are fixed on yours – that my hand is locked within your grasp. make me humbled in your presence – help me to be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to anger. may the words i speak and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you. may my actions bring life into others, and not death. help me to love sacrificially like you do. i need your Spirit to heal me, guide me, and uplift me – i need to be upheld, cradled in the hand of my creator, nestled safe in your presence.’

i hope you know just how much the God of the whole world loves you – He loves you.

you are not alone, you are not forgotten, you are His beloved.