Death doesn’t have the final say

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I laid there in the stillness, black covering the space between my wide eyes and the ceiling. I couldn’t get the moment out of my head. I replayed it over and over again. Like an explosion of unrestrained grief, the tears and sobs began – small rivers running down my face, wetting the neck of my t-shirt below. I could barely catch my breath. Jason wrapped his arms tightly around me, lovingly asking what was wrong. ‘I don’t even want to say it out loud.’ I shuttered at the thought of using words, giving even more life to the images in my head. Would it be truer? How have I never said it out loud before?

With a shaky voice, and in between hicupping sobs I finally said it,

‘I gave birth to her, and I watched her die.’

And I said it again and again. It was almost like my mind was catching up to what my heart felt years ago.

‘I miss her. I wanted to know her.’

Grief is a terrible and beautiful thing wrapped up in the same unwanted gift. It visits at the most inopportune times, feeling sneaky and selfish. When the waves of emotions roll, we ask grief to leave – we don’t want it to get comfy and stay for long. Our hearts cannot handle it. Our minds cannot bear it. But our souls need it.

We need healing, and grief is the only process by which we can find it. I am so thankful that God in His sovereignty doesn’t allow the full weight of grief to settle into our souls all at once. He knows the fragility of our minds and hearts, and He Himself has experienced this humanness firsthand (John 11:32-35).

Even though grief is hard, I rejoice in the fact – death doesn’t have the final say.

I will get to know Charlotte in eternity ♥

Although the grief process is impossible to escape – I know that God is using every single tear and all the heartache for my ultimate good, and for the good of others who cross paths with me.

Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

John 9:3 – ‘…but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.’

I don’t know what makes your heart hurt today, but I know that God won’t waste an ounce of your suffering. He will use these moments – or even seasons – of brokenness to mold you until you are complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4).

What do you need to say out loud? Is there something that the Devil is using to steal your joy, rob your certainty, or waylay your healing? Dispel the power of darkness by speaking His life into your circumstances today.

If you need someone to say it to, I’m here.

xoxo