I know, hate is a strong word

Jason and I had two days with strings of arguments – no unity. We fought about the past, the present, the pain we feel – the disconnect we experience. In an absolute moment of weakness and desperation – I blurted out, ‘I hate my life. I want a new one.’

Is that ok? Is it ok to get to the breaking point, where the pieces of your world get so small that it feels daunting to even bother picking them up?

The truth is, I don’t hate my life.

I hate the betrayal, the abandonment, the abuse – the words said that pierced my soul, and made me question my identity. I hate the diagnosis, the cancer, the comfort and naiveté taken away, the court dates, counseling appointments, the broken family, the blending – I hate death. I hate the fact that I placed the hope of a restart and unified family in a tiny human that I birthed to watch breathe their last. I hate all these messes, the unfairness of it all – and you know what? I should. It’s sin. It’s the culmination of everything the Lord didn’t want for us, wrapped up in a package of death and deceit from the Devil himself. This pain was never a part of God’s plan for my life (or yours) – it’s ok to hate it. It’s ok to mourn the things taken from you. But it’s also necessary to not let those past and present pains steal anything more from you than they already have (this is the part I am working on desperately). I have to ask myself why I am grasping so tightly to these wrongs.

The bible says to cling to the truth, and it will set you free. The truth is – Jesus died a sinner’s death in my place (and yours) to set me free from the power of death – not just physical death, but the power of sin’s grip in my life.

He defeated it. He conquered it. I need to focus my eyes on His sacrifice, and believe He already has – and will continue to – conquer the ‘ugly’ of my past and present circumstances. But, only if I allow Him in and trust that His plans are for my ultimate good. The things I hate about my past and present situations? He’s using those painful places to refine me and shape me more into His likeness, to instruct me in the area of sacrifice, and create a need for further dependence on Him.

I can do all things THROUGH Christ who STRENGTHENS me.

I need His power and provision to overcome the things of my past that I cannot change, strip away the guilt, mourn the death of expectations of how I thought my life would be – and ultimately, rest in His strength as I embrace what IS.

I hope you know how much you are loved by Jesus – today and every day. Thanks for letting me ‘pen to paper’ what’s on my heart.

xoxo